And then there's the fear. It sits in my head. Is this going to happen to me? Is this going to happen to my mom? My dad? My husband? If so, when?

Is every migraine a signal that something is dying? That I'm one step closer to a stroke?

We don't know when it started with her. It's pretty clear that she's been like this for a while, and probably started the spiral when my grandfather was still alive. They lived alone together, and when he died we discovered that she was pretty addled. And the house had lots of dust. Which she wouldn't have allowed if all was truly well. So, did it start when she was my age? Rita Hayworth had full-on Altzheimers when she was in her 50s.

Now for the if onlys. If only I didn't engage in a complete internet addiction and scare myself silly reading articles about this kind of crap online. If only I could just accept this kind of thing as possible rather than probable. If only I could go backwards in time- just a little bit- and stop it at the perfect moments and just live there for a while. Because at the time, I didn't know that they were perfect, and that they would go away. Leaving me.....here.