Thursday, August 27, 2009

Still in professional revamp mode. It....just....keeps...dragging....on. As more people weigh in on the whole thing. Not a bad thing, really, but getting tired of having my future decided by committee. Nothing I can do though. The good thing is that I have an excellent advocate in my corner with the authority to say no.

It's all pretty exhausting and stressful- apologize for whining, just explaining why I haven't been very good about communicating lately. I come home and collapse, and just veg in front of the tv, or computer. And try my best not to obsess about it all and try to talk about something else with Kman- just to keep him from dying of boredom.

Another week or so, and things will be firmed up. Maybe. Or they won't.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Taking a moment to just breathe.

And stop making compulsive lists. Lists of lists. Lists of tasks. Lists of things. All of which added together, show just how I handle stress. By breaking it all down into small, tangible things. Making less of it than the whole. And driving myself to distraction to get it all done.

At risk is the big picture. It's hard to see right now, because I just haven't gotten everything digested properly yet. So, that is what today is for. To think. Perchance to figure some more things out.

But first, a word with the lungs. Just to breathe. And to collect myself before plunging in again.

On a practical side, I spent the last week subbing for someone else, and working directly with my boss's new boss. It was good, but stressful. Add in the complete audit of what I do for a living, and the accompanying philosophical discussions with basically EVERYONE, and you have a recipe for mayhem. And then there was the rest of the team- the ones who are in the field, and have no actual way of knowing how things are at corporate. They needed reassurance that nothing in their world was going to drastically change. Who are they gonna call? That's right. Me. So I get to be the voice of reason. When inside, there isn't much reason pouring forth. Just controlled mayhem.

Small wonder I didn't get a migraine from it all. I tried yesterday, but didn't succeed- hit it too soon with the wonder combo of caffeine and prescription medication. Gotta love that.

The sad thing is that I haven't been writing much. Did a burst of work immediately following the vacation, but not much since. It wears on me. I want to see how my story ends. I want to know who wins. No such luck= unless I find something in me today that isn't immediately apparent and can buckle down and focus. But right now, it's all spinning in different concentric circles. Appears pointless from the outside, but inside is going someplace.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

"meet the new boss- same as the old boss..."

Um not really. Yesterday my boss quit the company. He had been there for 14 years, and was being primed for a big shift upward. He is moving his family to Africa, where they will work with a group of their friends on a business incubation foundation in Rwanda. I can't criticize that- it is a lofty goal.

I however, have a lot to think about. There are a lot of unanswered questions. But the good news, and why I am not panicking and looking for a job is that they have lined up a bunch of supporters (including a VP) who are working on recasting my job and keeping me on the team. I can only feel flattered by their efforts- it really does mean something when it would be easier to just get rid of me. I get to meet with my new manager (who I have known forever, not who I would've chosen necessarily, but a good surprise choice nevertheless), today and we will begin this thing.

Interesting times, no?

Saturday, August 15, 2009

I've been thinking about obsession. Something I am familiar with, unfortunately for the most part. Not the most constructive kind of obsession, usually- the kind that spurs creativity and drive and determination. Mostly the kind I am thinking of, and usually experience operates around the idea of having something. Collecting something. Or just something. Over and over. Patterns actually. Drowning out everything else in my head, and just repeating over and over and over. Keeping me from sleep. Keeping me from a lot of things, actually.

Usually the obsession is finite- not eternal. It goes away after a while. I attribute this to boredom, and an obsession with novelty (did you see what I did there?). But it keeps on. And keeps up. Luckily the obsessions haven't been unnecessarily destructive. Just time-consuming. And money-consuming. Some of them bring me joy, like plants. Some bring me sorrow, like some memories. But over and over. We go round and about.

To change my metaphor, it is like those old-school Bozo the clown toys. Inflate and punch. Then they bounce back to be punched again. I had one when I was about 3. I loved it, even though it scared me. Then it got punctured, and became a smelly latex bag with sand in the bottom. One of life's first little disappointments. To be continued, certainly. But obsession. Like that. Over and over and around and about. A labyrinth in my head. That I keep treading. And hoping for a different outcome most of the time. Hopeless, likely. But I continue on, because I really don't know how to stop. And am afraid of what would replace the obsessions I know if they weren't there. It might be a very bad thing.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Ok, we are back- and slogging through it all. Yesterday I had the first real bump at my job- came home hating it. This hasn't happened in over 2 years. Positive spin= I should be so lucky. Negative spin= time to think about what comes next. Both I can deal with. Neither are horribly fun, though. Especially since I feel like my boss totally threw me under the bus, so to speak. But there you have it. My natural inclination to charge ahead was really a large part of the problem- I have never understood the "fools rush in where angels fear to tread" dictum. Seemed excessively cautious. Now I have an inkling as to why it might be more appropriate sometimes.

Not that I want to deal with it today. Or anything work-related really.

Saturday, August 01, 2009

Am embarking on a trip. Vacation season. This time it's different. Not just Kman and me- this time we travel in a pack. That will be unusual, but I'm game. Mainly because we will be on a large boat. Traveling to the vast north. Then seeing many things. Not going to announce this outside of this space- we'll share pics there afterwards. Just so you understand, this time the silence, it isn't heat related or personal. It is distance and lack of access.