Saturday, June 30, 2007

Still feel like crap, thank you Boy Wonder (for the summer cold- I'm feeling the love right now).

But in the meantime, I'll think about something besides the state of the skin on my nose- as it slowly gets eaten away by the kleenix.

So I've started the next round of interviews. Been here before. But this time with a year in-company under my belt and some really glowing recommendations from friends. Love the lot of them. The challenge will be finding the best fit, and basically taking it from there. But the year has bought very good options, and I am pleased.

The first interview in a series for one job was yesterday. Difficult since I felt like ass, but otherwise it went...well, I guess. At issue- the person who held the position before me was nasty (by all reports), and they are gun-shy as hell. I got that from my informational interview with the manager and his lieutenant several weeks ago. The person yesterday spent the lion's share of the interview trying to ascertain who I am not, versus trying to see who I am. That puts me in a difficult position- as I was being asked how I would respond under certain theoretical circumstances. Without knowing the individuals or ground rules. Which is really impossible. And kind of a dumb way to interview. Because basically, I DO NOT KNOW. And I think that it is a silly line of questioning- showing a lapse of imagination. I doubt that I would get nasty with people in any event. Not my style- and especially not with the kinds of people who would be interacting with me there. So it felt....kind of fruitless. But the woman was very nice, otherwise and I liked her a lot. So we'll see. I have a battery of 4 interviews over the course of the day late next week to round out this job's interview cycle. And I do know that there are others in the running- but I come highly recommended, and have actually gotten buy off from the main boss (which the others haven't). We'll see where that gets me.

There are a couple of other jobs I'm in serious contention for within the company too. Because the busy little bees inside want me. And I want to stay. Is it so much to ask to be able to continue doing a job that I've grown to love? Well, we'll see the answer to that question played out later. Tune in to future installments of Job Hunt 2007.

And now I must sign off and go and watch the Tivoed Qualifying for the French Grand Prix. And cough up phlegm.

And on a side note, for those of you who pay attention to this kind of thing- the sun is shining. For now.

Friday, June 29, 2007

School's out for the summer

And the boy gave me one of those summer headcolds. You know the kind. But we shall overcome.

Because I don't have to call in sick. I can just be.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

I was thinking some more about a conversation from yesterday- about greatness of before, and the pallid light of the current batch of talent- be it literary, musical, etc.

I was thinking that part of the equation is a sense of time. That there has been time to filter out the drek, and what we get is the best of the best. That the rest of what was no doubt popular at the time can be found in thrift stores and shelves in restaurants- as atmosphere- but isn't read anymore. Especially the case with first editions- I remember the brisk trade we did in those at the bookstore in Tempe where I worked. Not all first editions are valued, doncha know.

I was also thinking about the past via my own personal filter. The 60s have a golden glow about them. Because that was the earliest part- all was new, and all was pretty much perfect. The only real problem I faced at the time was when I got spanked for running around naked in the cold. I think I was 2. I vaguely remember. I have seen pictures. Not really a big thing- those all came later.

But the music and the movies and the television from that time really moves me. Still. Something about the golden glow and the resultant nostalgia. I will actually use that label- just because I hold the whole bloody thing so close to my heart. It's where I dream when I am lucky. It's where I would live again if I had the chance. It's the core. The boy understands- he has heard plenty in 15 years, and understands. That all that came before was almost perfection. And after was just...not...

This state of affairs doesn't really please me. It's hard to be split between real and unreal like that (yes Sean, I am aware that real and unreal are difficult terms- we should talk!). And sometimes I long for the discipline to jettison the whole mess. But that would be giving up on something that I treasure so profoundly. I wonder if this is how an alcoholic feels about demon rum- love and distaste at the very same time...

Hello. I am a nostalgiaholic. Where's my bloody support group?

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

What bloody day is it? Well, not what I thought apparently. But it was only a momentary lapse.

Now that we're back on track, I am mentally preparing for the 4th interview of the week. Most have been informal. But two have not. And there is major prep work to accomplish if all is to go well.

One I hope I don't get. I just don't think it'll be a good fit. I liked the guy fine, but think I would get bored.

One would work well. It's just a question of timing.

One will take a long, long time to come. We'll put that in the reserved section.

So. Getting up and getting out. All the while wondering how the hell I got choices in the bargain. That's something new.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Three days left. And then I am my own again. But there is sadness- but less than there was a few days ago.

The drama- pretty much done. And resolved. But not how I would do it, but that doesn't matter.

My role- pretty much offstage now. And being phased out. Probably killed off at the end of the season, so the character won't return. The producers have it out for me. But not really. There's always a way back, if I so chose. But I don't. Been here. Done that. Only a fan of re-runs when it involves 70's sitcoms and Night Gallery.

Interviews- 2 today. At different places. No real need for building them up. Neither excites me yet. Ask me at the end of the day. May be a different story. But I'm not desperate. Yet. That comes whist stewing in my own mind in solitude for too long.

The boss- is fucked. And you heard it here first, folks. But she's in the place of her own devising, and after a very unsettling conversation yesterday, I am content to leave her there. She saves face that way, and that seems to be the primary concern. People. sigh.

The sun is shining. Which might seem like a normal thing to most. But for those in the know, it has been infrequent hereabouts. So I will go now, and take a walk prior to going to the work. And finishing what I started. Out with a sigh, not a bang, or a whimper. Just a sigh.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Once upon a time, I thought that carpe diem was profound. I thought that the idea of being in charge of destiny was possible. I just had no bloody clue.

Then I learned about things. That the body can betray, and make all the planning in the world obsolete. That events occur that are unplanned, and that change decisions in an instant. That people can bollux up the best laid agendas with their competing agendas. That control is an illusion that causes more grief than good.

Then I started taking Latin and fell in love. All in an instant. And life was changed for me forever. Because of that Latin/love combination. Not what I planned at all. It changed the plans that were in progress. It was a ride that had no precedent. But I do remember plenty of Latin catch phrases. I just wouldn't live my live via their wisdom. There are also plenty of feeble attempts to wrest control that still occur. But they are becoming more infrequent.

I should consider myself lucky to have basic bowel control, control over my desire to shout obscenities at inappropriate times, and contrived control over what I write on the page. All else has devolved into an elaborate crapshoot with ever-changing rules and characters.

But isn't it fun???

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Happy weekend everybody:

And now I totally cannot stand to be in my own skin

Yes, it's one of THOSE kinds of days.

Where it would be better to simply go back to bed and start over. But it would be impossible, you see. Because shutting off the brain just isn't going to happen.

I am opting out of being around people, though. Just because I don't think I can be convincingly cheerful and fun. Just too blasted out of sorts.

Will go downstairs and quit playing on the computer and drink tea with the cats. Then perhaps think of something creative to do. Or not.

But the itchy feeling of needing to get the fuck out of my own skin remains. Little jabs of nervous energy, accompanied by the kind of ache that happens when sickness sets in. But there's no actual sickness present. Just the kind that goes with being sad. But not lonely. Just sad.

And the desire to just get over it. And move the hell on. Jiggedy jig.

list of things

First task of the day (after the coffee) will be to rattle off a finely-crafted email to the boss.
Telling her that the new person is a moron/Luddite, who has no aptitude for working at
this particular company. And that there have been more than a few opportunities to
prove her mettle. She just.doesn' Full stop.

Now, I had to get plenty lit last night to get over the horror of 8 hours in this woman's presence.
And another deep dive into that chamber of nastiness will be necessary. Because I fully
expect to deliver details a plenty. And it will be an unpleasant conversation. Happy fucking Saturday.

And then. 4 days to go. New leads on jobs are coming in. Another interview on Tuesday. Looking like there is hope. But first will be at least one week, hopefully two off and decompressing. As is necessary. Especially after the last two weeks of unpleasantness.

Over and out.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Yesterday was toxic.

The end.

Today is Friday. My last one at the job. That fact makes me happy.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Boy bought a new motorcycle.

Girl is finishing her job up- very busy, and kind of cranky about it.

Late night at work yesterday.

New bed stopped making the back hurt.

Bad kitties kept jumping on bed all night.

New White Stripes album is good.

Birthday was fine- didn't take a Birthday Princess day for the first time.

End of update- have to go deal with more of the same (except for the birthday part).

Monday, June 18, 2007

Only one more

I only have one more Monday at this job. And considering the nasty end of the day flame that came across my desk, that's quite all right by me.

Also was the last one of those for me to deal with- because from here on out, my mindreading skills are going to be put to rest. Because as of tomorrow, I start dropping things on my successor. Because it is time. Whether or not she can cope- who the hell knows. Not my problem. No time like the present to find out.

I have my safety nets in place for myself. No way I am going down with a sinking ship. And basically the plan is to leave on good footing, and try to stay teflon clean.


And another thing....

She keeps trying to make me her friend. Which totally sucks ass. Because despite the fact that I do like her, it is totally unnecessary, irrelevant, and makes no sense for me to sit there and chitty chat when I'm supposed to be focusing her on the job at hand. And I know that it's all because I'm pushing her beyond her comfort zone. But it is not doing her any favors to divert the attention from the work. It makes me more worried though- because it means she is just not focusing. And that is a very bad sign, indeed.

Sigh. Not to worry- just gotta remember- it's NOT my fault.
Ah, it's always creaky after a weekend of not writing. Nothing particular comes to mind. Probably because there are no real crises. And the tension has pretty much dissipated.

So, one more Monday after today. Then it is done. For now. And the hunt begins again. But all of my friends are telling me to relax. Not to panic. They don't necessarily understand though- not many of them were around during the lean years. Yes, years, for those with short memories. And I really don't care to fill them in- it's kind of a downer. So the fight is to keep from sounding desperate. And there you have it.

And the training? Well, it's as bad as I expected. What with the coaching required on the fundamental software tools that were supposed to be a given, and the repeated questions, I just cannot see how this person will be ready to take over by the end of the week. And I am expecting to hand all over by then to give her a dry run while I'm still in the house. I am looping in a friend in the department to evaluate, and to assist- so no one can accuse me of torpedoing this poor sap. But I was telling my mother about it, and basically training this one is like trying to teach my Mom how to do my job. Only my Mom would never want to do my job. And this other one was supposed to come with the parts all included to simply drop into the position and leave. Now I'm getting all pissy about it. But my biggest fear isn't that she'll fail. It's that I will get blamed when she does. So it's the game of CYA. And I think I can handle that. But hate to play.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Judgmental comment of the day

So, David Hasselhoff got custody of his kids. The mother must be a total wreck, by comparison. Because I've seen the video. And good God, yo.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

The litany of today is, "it's not my fault."

I'm watching someone go down in flames. And it's not my fault.
I didn't make the decision to put them in their position. That's not my fault.
I haven't been consistently not asking the right questions. Not my fault.

I hate it beyond belief. Because I just can't stomach blood sports. And I
want it to be my fault, so I can fix it.
My days are currently spent detaching. Because I must.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Was hoping to approach today refreshed, but instead spent the night in the rapture of the kind
of anxiety-inspired dreams I had when I first took this job. No doubt a bit of transference. But it still sucks. Because now I am tired, and will be more inclined to be impatient and cranky with stupid repetitive questions. There was no one to answer mine back in the day. So they went unasked, and I found the answers. I hate being a crutch. But it also matters to me for some inexplicable reason, that this person be enabled to succeed. Sense of fairness and all that. Besides, I have nothing to win scoring points off of her. Or anyone really.

I just want to go back to bed. And dream of the Led lights again.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Spent the day data-dumping to my replacement. God help them...

I'll give her today, and try to withhold judgment. But tomorrow is
another thing entirely...

Friday, June 08, 2007

Truth be told (and I'm sure I've started plenty of things with those exact works...) I am just not in the mood today to start up my pitch of whine. Or shine. Because it is like those hummingbird wings- beating at a remarkable velocity. And just hovering there. Then zipping to the other place. And hovering.

So, what shall we chat about? Well, ideally, I would brew a nice big pot of tea (after the morning coffee- gotta keep the dose up, or gets the headache), grab the package of Madelines from Trader Joe's, and head for the deck. Because it would be nice to sit and chat outside in the sun, while it's available. And I have those perfect pink teacups that were a gift, and need to be used. NEED.

Then after a while of swilling tea and gossiping, it'll be time to think about lunch. No hassle, though. Because it's all in the life of ease offered in my head. When I'm not plugged into the machine. Like right now.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

I'm driving across the bridge, and in the horizon I can see the wave coming towards me

There was an article yesterday on the internet about how after a certain age, women are
pretty much metaphorically shooting blanks. This should inspire anxiety, but only provides

I know that if I don't drive faster, the wave will sweep me off of the bridge and I will die

They have finalized a date to demolish Grandpa's house. This should inspire relief, as it is final.
Instead it makes me anxious. I want one more chance to reconstruct it as it was. But that is impossible. She is not coming back. Neither is he. I will never be 5 again. The world is no longer what it was. This is inevitable.

I see the advancing water, and know with certainty that I will lose this race- it's too fast

I hear weariness in my Mother's voice as she relates the events in my Grandmother's life. It's one litany of decline after another. Almost a ritualized "Hail Mary" of despair. One day soon she won't recognize any of us. Then it will be over, with the body following after. This should inspire grief, but right now I don't have time for that. I'll keep telling myself that, because I just don't want to go there. I see no reason to bludgeon myself unnecessarily.

I don't know what to expect when the water comes, and the adrenaline that got me this far wears off- only that it will be over. At last.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Every so often I get too wrapped up in my own little drama, and lose perspective.

So it happened again. And then I started an IM conversation with a friend. (You know who you are, my dear) And perspective hit me up side the head.

So, luck of the draw plays heavily in this thing. So does the weight of personal history. And basically I come up pretty fucking lucky. So shut the hell up, and keep on. The sunny side of the street and all that. Because what I gots to complain about really isn't shit by comparison. And really, no one wants to hear about it. Seriously. Not even me.

Maybe the Brits are right- that stiff upper lip crap and all. But then, having watched The Queen, that appears to be undergoing a sea change too. So I just need to hunker down, watch a few more episodes of World's Deadliest Catch, and feel lucky that I've never been called to sea. Because there is a Bitch Goddess if I've ever seen one. And crab fishermen are cool as hell.

And now the secret is out- there is ONE reality tv program that I am hugely addicted to. (see above). It is something of a guilty pleasure- but when we go to the locks, I look for the boats featured in the show.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Rough night-

Can't sleep, clown's gonna get me...

Laughing into the wind, knowing that a good percentage of it is
pure bravado.

Knowing that I know absolutely nothing about what I am really doing.
Knowing that somewhere the stakes went up.
Because with age allegedly comes wisdom.
But with that wisdom comes a few other creeping things.
Like fear. And consequences. And just less time.

Crikey. Now that's the attitude to take today.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

For me, because we about hurt ourselves laughing when we first saw this sign.

Seriously- almost went off the road.

WHO thought this was ok?

(Actually this was in the same folder as the previous one, and from the same trip.)

For Lx- because it appears to fit his mood today.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Practically unfillable

Someplace inside, there's a chasm
or maybe that's inaccurate.
More like a field- fallow.
But not really. Because fallow fields exist
for a reason. They're deliberate.
What's inside wasn't intended. Not what
they planned. Not part of the standard
operating procedure (SOP, for the insiders).

Flashback- knowing that everything was fine.
That everyone loved. That everyone was just...there.

Flashforward- knowing that growing up is inevitable.
Hardening of the hearts and arteries. Hardening of the mind
and purpose. Hardening of the will and ways.

Then knowing that there is just no answer, no time like then
and no filling the holes left behind. But also realizing that those
holes, while serving no purpose and unintentional are inevitable.

Deciding to just persevere and deal with it. But walking
with a limp.

Gathering momentum

There is another interview with a different group of people scheduled for Monday, and 9:00.

And another phone interview- time tbd.


Friday, June 01, 2007

Wrap up

The interviews appeared to go well. There were two back to back ones. The first seemed kind of slam dunkable. The second was harder to read. And given that it's one of those jobs that requires a high level of trust and personality meld, it'll really depend on their feelings. And they're boys, so who the hell knows. Because boys are a mystery sometimes. God knows what they are really looking for. I didn't get the impression, however, that they are after a pretty young thing- which is good, since I haven't been one of those (and then only marginally) for about 15 years or so. So the waiting game begins.

Good news though- options exist where there were none last year. And friends are coming out of the woodwork and offering assistance. So that makes everything different. Doesn't appear that I get to revisit the reclusive life for long- which is no doubt a very good thing.

Went to the ballet last night- saw the rehearsal last week, and the opening night was last night. Good seats. And it was certainly a different experience. I have to say that it ought to be obligatory that at least once in a lifetime if you like ballet you see the rehearsal. There's an intimacy to it that gets lost in the translation. As well as an intensity. The costumes added to the sense of anonymity of the members of the corps, and I didn't like that. I loved seeing them as individual pieces of the whole- rather than as cogs in a moving machine. But that's just Balanchine for you. He had this whole kind of shuffle run thing that he had his dancers do- that resembles nothing so much as a train engine. And there's a kind of prancy run that they did too- all of it is kind of dated in a way. Reminds me of Busby Berkley for some reason.

All in all, it was a wonderful night- with amazing company. (if you're reading, W, I really do mean that!) And I gotta say I am very worn out! So, adieu, and I'll be back later.