Thursday, June 03, 2010

Day 2- still not giving in to the paranoia. It's not fun, mind you. But I'm not as tense. I'm hoping that this "facing my fears" thingy gets a little easier.

If not, I'm in for a really nasty time of it.

Oh, and my legs hurt a bit. Excellent that- means stuff is happening.

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Day 1- address the fear, keep breathing.

So I went for a walk. That might not sound like much, but when you're borderline agoraphobic, and apparently have been since your teens, it is kind of a big deal. Not that I walk in sketchy neighborhoods late at night, either. Very upscale community with a lovely rainforest park. That I have walked through with Kman many times. It's just the alone part. I have never been to a movie in the theater by myself either.

This was a big deal. I hate treadmills. They bore the crap out of me. I like being outside. I just am afraid. Not sure of what, really. It wasn't an issue when I was little. I would ride my bike anywhere and everywhere. I would walk to the school 6 blocks from home and play in the playground. I would walk downtown by myself and visit my mother at work.

Then something happened. Not sure if it can be only one thing. I think it was cumulative. Mainly because there was no traumatic event to attach to this fear. Just...time.

When I was in college, I just got used to driving everywhere. Especially at night. And having someone with me when I went for hikes in the mountains and parks. But I still went skiing alone, and walked to school. It wasn't a big deal.

Then came Tempe. Not long after we moved there a woman was found headless in a canal not far from where we lived. That scared the hell out of me. Angela Brosso. I don't think they ever found her killer.

There was an unsolved murder in my apartment complex.

My friends were very upset that I went to the grocery store alone after dark.

Nothing ever happened.

But the fear grew.

Seattle was fine, I could take the bus around town. I could drive anywhere. But walking in my neighborhood alone was beyond me.

So my fitness has been at the mercy of the ability to go for a walk with Kman. And not my own.

This doesn't please me. I don't like being afraid of things that don't exist. So I figured that I would go for a fucking walk today. And if anything happened, I would have something tangible to fear. Which I would prefer.

I got home just fine. Saw several rabbits. Decided that I don't want to be like them. Fearful and jumpy. I'm too old and too out-of-shape for that.