So I had this kind of difficult conversation with my mom yesterday. She is worried that I'm losing focus on what I'm doing with my life. Well, that's not a hard thing to do right now. I feel stymied at every turn. And I have been making short-term and long-term plans- and they don't actually have a lot to do with eachother. She just doesn't want me to invest tons of money and time in something I don't want to do. And I don't have any guarantees.
It's just really hard to grow up. I just have this kind of sinking feeling that I have a purpose, but that I haven't exactly found it. I have had moments (years even) when I had that purpose. But then things changed and the purpose didn't fit anymore. And maybe I was quick to abandon old goals once achieved. But they were never enough to keep me going happily along. I get bored relatively easily if something doesn't keep me learning.
And the really tough thing is that she made the "clock is ticking- you're getting really OLD for this stuff, kiddo" reference. Yeah. Sadly, I can foresee being in this kind of mental state for the rest of my life. I really don't think I'm fully equipped to stop and settle for one big thing. I can see myself using past experiences for a foundation to go in new directions. But at the moment, I'm just kind of stuck in an odd limbo.
And this isn't a blog entry with answers- it's just rambling. This stuff kept me awake last night long past the point of usefulness.
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2 comments:
This is a tough one. We always like to feel like we are on track, seeing our life as some sort of linear progression from conception to realization.
But there are moments in life, change-up points I guess, where we going from one life to another, or one career to another, or one city to another.
And at these times, we won't always feel on track.
I'm sorry that your momma is putting some pressure (however gentle) on you.
She herself must realize that we never truly reach "it" whatever it is we are striving towards. Life is the joy in the in-between moments.
The clock is always ticking, it always has been. But you can't hurry, because it's not about getting there, or anywhere.
It's about just being here.
And if you send me just $79.95, I'll share with you my secrets of being here in two audiotapes or one CD. Call now and I'll throw in a free yoga mat.
Do you have a discount for old friends? How about for repeat sales?
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