Funny set of circumstances

I find myself spinning off of other blogs. Moodwise and ideawise. Basically it sparks an internal discussion that I lack the discipline to cut off.

Creativity. Depression. Self-editing. Crowd pleasing. All part of the discussion.

Here:

-I don't want to ever feel like I can't explore an idea without freedom. As long as it is safe. And as long as I won't get in trouble for crossing some imaginary line- placed there by friends/family/myself. I'll call it a hearty respect for privacy and leave it there. Maybe that means that there is no freedom. Probably. I get to live with it- since I was dumb enough to share the site with so many who actually know me! There is an implied responsibility to them that I have to keep intact- because they matter.

-that means that when I start to spin into depression, I am careful to keep the perspective intact. Because I don't want to scare these people. And then I don't want to spin too far- it's a bitch to pull out of free fall. Done it many times, at great cost. And no one gets to see the white hair that I hide. But it's always been a flirting with the abyss kind of situation. Only Kboy gets to see the depths of it. And besides scaring the crap out of him, I've learned that there really isn't much use to sharing. Just let it roll. Just wait it out. Just....breathe.

-then there is the waste. Spending tens of thousands of dollars, and years of my life. Pursuing a goal. Then another one. And doing absolutely nothing with either. Because the drive- I don't know exactly where it came from in the first place- just went away. And despite getting through the really hard parts, when it got easy, I bailed. Will it always be this way? Once something is accomplishable, it fades in interest? Pretty fucking stupid. But the bank/government doesn't care. I pay the bills. I pay them on time. My credit is exemplary. I am such the model citizen...

-then there is the disappointment. The regret. That wakes me out of the fugue state that I live in from time to time. Bitter. Like trying to eat a Seville Orange. Very appetizing on the outside, and generally nasty on the inside. But then makes the best marmelade. Ok- lost the analogy there.

-It's just funny to write like this in general. Sharing small pieces of facets of an interior life. Nothing substantial. Like spun sugar (more food analogies- guess I need breakfast after all). Something that disappears easily. And has no real lasting value. Unlike the printed page, I could press a button and make it all go away forever. Two years of output lost- hidden or just plain gone. No trace.

-And then there's the illusion that anyone knows me out here. Like everyone else, it's all about selection. Only sharing what you want. Controlling access to the interior. Playing a game of smoke and mirrors. The friends and family who know me in the real world have a fuller picture, of course. But please bear in mind that I edit heavily here. No way this is a free forum for whatever comes to mind. That could really pose problems. Just like I see others playing the balancing act online. Necessary and prudent. Not words that I ascribed to in the past, but I have learned some tough lessons about discretion. And trust.

-Followed up by the illusion that anyone knows me in here. The adage "know thyself"- Heraclitus- is as far as I can tell bullshit. I can know myself for a minute at a time if I'm lucky. It's like the wind changing. Then a surprise comes along, and I either disappoint or please myself- finding capabilities where I least expected to find them, or finding the lack thereof. What a crapshoot. On a good day.

And that's about all the rambling that I care to indulge in for now. Because there is an orchid show that I didn't go to yesterday. And I have a plant obsession to indulge myself with. And a few more sentences to end with prepositions. Because I love pissing on the memory of my High School English teachers.