It was late. On a schoolnight. But I was there. In his room. I couldn't stop shaking. I felt like I would blow apart. My teeth were actually chattering. I didn't know why. I didn't stop to ask. And nothing was going to get in the way.
I can't really remember why I wanted this so badly. In retrospect it didn't really make much sense. It would only make the situations in my life murkier. And more dishonest.
But back in the room, I was waiting for his move. And once it came, I was able to push it along. To the foregone conclusion. And then some.
I remember being on an adrenaline high for a day after. Despite the shitstorm that waited at my apartment. Because some things weren't all the way over. Just kicking the corpse around the room to finish it off. Because there are no instruction manuals for that kind of thing. And the dying had been going on for over a year.
The crying shame of the entire thing - I hesitate to call it an affair- is that for once, and for all time, I did the stupid thing. I didn't listen to the voice inside that always was right- about who liked whom more, and about if it mattered. And this time I was so far off as to be an idiot. And to this day, it still has a little sting to it when I remember. Myself in that room. Shivering with anticipation- or fear. Not realizing that for him it was just an opportunity. For one thing. And I saw it as an escape. From another.
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3 comments:
Thanks- it was ... interesting to revisit some of this stuff. And process it differently. And spit it out again.
your inside voices are always right? i'm quite impressed. if i listened to all the amalgamation that is my insides, i'd be in real shit.
this post sounds like you're beating yourself up too much for inconsequential stuff.
it becomes that to the victim, in time, i suppose.
i hold no regrets. but in the same breath, i never want to re-live my life. if i had to do it over again, i wouldn't.
feeling better?
You know I didn't really see it as beating myself up. The voices that tell me not to do certain things (or guys) were uncannily accurate. But I didn't listen to them as often as I should've. That was the crying shame of it all. But who wants to be always right, right?
And the whole point was more just focusing in on the feeling of regret a good decade+ removed to see what comes out.
But overall, yes, feeling better. Thank you.
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