Took the day off

And the scariest thing of all is how desperate I am to go onto the network and check my work email. Because I fear what will be in there tomorrow when I return. But I am trying to control the anxiety. What disturbs me is that I have every appearance of being an addict. I am jonesing to get back into the system. First thing in the morning, I usually check in and see what happened over night. Because I am part of the legion who never sleep. And then I proceed to put out fires. And then I proceed to shut down, get dressed and go to work. Then I spend the day putting out fires. And then I monitor at night if I know that something important is going on. Which seems to be daily now.

So it's a big deal to me to not look. To not participate. I had to tell people yesterday that I wasn't going to be there today to carry on. And it wasn't easy. I kept trying to justify in my mind "just doing that one little thing"...But the sickness, though it appears blood borne, hasn't taken full control. I haven't done it. I haven't touched the work computer. It sits downstairs on the table balefully glowering at me. Chock full of little time bombs awaiting my attention. And there it is.

God, I love feeling so...necessary. And I need to stop it. Because it ends in June. And that is that.