I'm sitting here listening to Matt Lauer lob softballs (soft, soft- made of rolled up socks) to the President and First Lady. Pretty little photo-op, Matt. Nothing rough or tough. Civilized and sweet.
Not that I expect anything else.
Certain thoughts have been milling around in my head for a couple of days. These aren't happy thoughts. These are things that I have had in there and boxed away, taped up, catalogued under unmentionable for a very long time. Dammit. And now, some spring cleaning appears to have been done, and the boxes are out of storage. Open even. Ready to be accounted for. Dammit. I would rather lick the cat's ass than deal with all of this. But licking the cat's ass wouldn't make all of it go away. So, I won't subject myself to that particular horror.
I keep reliving a very bad day. Very, very bad. I did something pretty much unforgivable in my book. And I've never gotten to the point where I could cooly appraise my actions and deal with the guilt. Better to wrap it in bubble wrap and put it in the box. So much tidier. If I get into it fully, will it ever end?
This is an evil thing. Memory. Maybe my Grandmother is the lucky one- as she loses hers, she has plenty of the good ones left. And she seems to have forgotten lots of the bad. I have lots of the good ones, but the bad ones appear in a flash once in a while. And I have to deal with them. It's pretty rough going, and I would do anything to get out of my own head. Guess that's not really an option. Neither is a week-long drunk. Because once I sober up, it's all still in there. I'm OCD enough (really, I am) that fixating on this kind of shit is part of the chemistry.
So, I'm putting on my helmet, flack jacket and picking up my trusty AK 47 and gonna wade into the breach. Fuckin A. Maybe after the battle, I'll get a tattoo. Betty Grable or Rita Hayworth? Or in my case, Gable or Grant? Hmmmmm.
And then there's the debate- do I bare my soul to the world, and achieve the absolution gained when making a confession? I think not. Gotta keep some secrets closely held. Just gotta. Besides, I can't think of any good that would come of exposing some of this stuff- it's just my own hard-earned personal little hell. Probably wouldn't phase another person.
Enough. I'm putting off the inevitable. Gotta go think.
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8 comments:
See, this is what writing does to you. Once the brain gets going, it goes.
I liked the apple butter story. My grandmother makes incredible apple butter. Recently found out that pumpkin butter is good, too.
It does, indeed. And shutting it off is not an option. I'll face it down, dammit. But I don't have to like it!
I'm sorry you're feeling that way about a past memory, but what good does it do you? Unless you killed someone, or you have to constantly relive it to prevent it from happenning again...bad memories have no use. They really don't. I know you know that, but sometimes it is good to hear. Take care, put a smile on that pretty face!:)
Lots of Love
Andrea
Thank you puddin! I'm struggling with the perspective issue. You know- I am responsible for so much, and was in control at all times, and everything was my fault...blah...blah...blah. It's stupid and pretty much masochistic as hell. I'll get over it.
In the meantime, if you get the chance, catch Double Indemnity. Very good movie.
Love you right back!
Matt Lauer's pitches are always dictated by those bastards in the control room accurately referred to as: Producers. As in: shite/garbage/waste/pollution/noise producers.
I would just dearly love to see Matt lose it someday- I watched Network last night. I just feel frustrated knowing that these people make more than I ever will, were probably the top of their classes at school, and basically have to deliver this kind of crap every morning. How to keep the head out of the oven would by my question.
actually, Matt Lauer was a tree cutter before he got his gig reading news at the Today show. his is a total success story. and truth be told, i like him better than that elitist grouch Bryant Gumbel.
having worked in the biz for oh so many years, i can honestly tell you this: producers are a bunch of horseshite. they're all short-timers, usually hired to pump up ratings with garbage. ESPECIALLY bad are "producers" who work for the cable networks (sans CNN, CNN actually hires quality peeeps, although still short timers, due to the power of ratings) like MS or Fox or CNBC. They're really mid 20s kids with Poli-Sci degrees who know nothing about television. My biggest thrill, while working in the biz, was watching these white-collar green bastards butt heads with the union guys on the crew. Of course, within a year, all union members were gone and were replaced by fuckos who had never once operated a camera in their lives. I.E. low wages, high turnover. Pretty much like any other business around.
and this segues into this thought: let's all go and see "Good night and Good luck" about one of the few, true newsmen: Murrow.
I've been wanting to see that one. Perhaps this weekend I can rouse Kenga and we'll check it out.
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