Figures- just when you let your guard down, and think everything is ok, you get hit with one of those long dark winters of the soul in the middle of the night. Mine occurred the night before last. Bleak as hell. Bleak as the house that Dickens built.
Full of self doubt. Full of fury. Full of sound- from the steel mill down the hill. Round and round we go- following obsessively the same fucking stupid sequence of thoughts down the rabbit hole. And be damned if you can pull out of it. Just enjoy the ride, sunshine, cuz short of getting up and making a pot o tea, nothing is gonna save you.
I learned something though- and I hardly have the ego to suggest that it's a universal. What shut my head the fuck up was finally just letting it go. Saying to myself, "self- whatcha gonna do about it right now?" Duly noted, but what can occur at 3AM?
I have a touch of the OCD in my makeup (Spouse snorts, "a touch???"), and have struggled with obsessive thoughts almost as long as I can remember. I have done the therapy track a couple of times, with some real success. I just tackled one of my largest and most difficult demons recently. And basically won. Now I'm trying to apply the technique to other areas.
I tend to fixate on an object. Usually for sale. Usually expensive. That object (in this case a ring) will save my life. It will make everything all right. It becomes a talisman for my reality. It makes the stress lesser. But not really. The stress of desire makes it the one sole thing that I fixate on. It's bigger than the ring itself. So, rather than pony up for the overpriced bauble that I've successfully lived without for over 35+ years (if you think I'm gonna disclose the actual date, you're high!), I stopped. I will probably live another 30+ years without the fucking thing. So just stop. Breathe. Realize that the ring is a panacea for what really ails you. It distracts from functioning and working through the actual stress stimulus. It doesn't really matter. It doesn't own you- and you don't need it. So. I will choose to buy it or not buy it. It won't make me do anything. I don't give it power over my bank account.
And somewhere, a couple of therapists (very nice, capable, lovely people) are cheering!
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11 comments:
i want shoes. and a bicycle. and a scooter.
right now.
Ah, but do they keep you awake at night? Are they what comes to mind when you let your mind drift softly?
I sincerely hope not, my friend. That would suck. It is my curse- has been for longer than I can remember. But the mitigation is a nice thing.
Shoes are good. A necessity, if you will. I grant you shoes. And the others are modes of transportation. Very practical.
Ooh but what does the ring look like, maybe you really do need it.
It's bloody gorgeous. Seriously. I looked on eBay and found nothing comperable. But now that it has been a monkey on my back, I am thinking that it feels kinda good not to give in. I dunno. I'll probably use the money that I would spend on it and buy a laptop or something. Especially if I do well on the LSAT and get into a law school.
yes the bike did drift me to sleep and wake me up.
with a shudder or a jolt? Or a scream of terror? "Nooooo bike, no!!!"
more of a nice 'ah, just drifting to sleep dreaming of a lovely bikey...'
RINGS keep you up at night?!
Fack! Be glad it's not succubi and god knows what other creatures sliding down the length of the ceiling fan pole.
Oh- I haven't gotten there yet, LX- that's for another day and another dollar. There's a plethora of things that keep me awake on a good day, much less a bad one. I'm a charter member of the night screaming dreams club.
But the ring...wants to be my precious...my precious....
cast that mofo into the fires of Mordor (sp?), yo! ain't nothin' but trouble, them rings.
That's why I refuse to buy it. It is full of evil spells. Damned elves and dwarfs. Meddling with the rings. Should just leave well enough alone, I say.
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