Was contemplating aging. Mainly because it's kind of what is going on for me. Whether I admit it or not.

So, regrets. Basically the only one I use to pummel myself at this point is that I was SUCH a dumbass for so long. It took me eons to get my shit together. And I could've accomplished so damned much if I had been more together earlier. And don't tell me that it isn't too late. That's not the point. Of course I am still alive, and have this opportunity, etc., etc.

I still regret time lost. Time wasted. And I AM the judge of that. No one else is quite as qualified. It really bugs the hell out of me.

Years, really. Of fruitless flinging myself at problems that were never mine to solve. Of aching over things that didn't belong to me. Of wanting certain relationships to be far richer than they could ever be, for reasons beyond my control. Of suffering under the illusion that I had any real control of elements beyond myself. Of being far too keyed up for my own good. Of being a general busybody, while neglecting my own shit. Of not understanding fully the ramifications of choices I made on a whim and a prayer. Of confusing reaction with choice. Of confusing emotion with reason.

I'm pretty sure I can make the list a hell of a lot longer. But I think you get it. I sure do. But the good news is that I think I have more of a handle on it all than I ever had before. Not to claim some kind of superiority or implacable sense of emotional maturity- but I do think I have more of a sense of clarity. And deliberation. And just plain confidence in my ability to parse it out.

But hell. Bloody hell. What a lot of wasted motion. And emotion. And time. That's the kicker, eh?