Some maintenance required

So I have just been worn out. More than the usual I am tired because work is draining kind of worn out. More like sustaining the whole illusion is getting to me.

About the illusion. Seems that people who don't come here and connect the dots think I'm about the most positive and calm person in existence. Seems that someone at work said she is amazed at how very calm I always remain. Seems that I keep the rage and everything else buried pretty well, then. Because it's bullshit. Smoke and mirrors.

This is a place where I whine almost constantly. Because it has to happen somewhere. But seriously, there is more. Much more that I want to say. But I can't. I have so much invested in self-censure. Protection. Lack of inclination to debate the point. Not wanting to expose a certain opinion and have it broadcast more widely. Too many people know me. Not enough anonymity. There has been a strong temptation to take it all underground- hide out in the blog land and never come back. Because out there I could say all kinds of shit and no one would connect it to me.

But I don't do it. Just like I never was one of those people who just took off on a Friday evening and drove into the mountains. That was Kboy. I just buried myself in books. Took my mind, not my body elsewhere.

And I still don't do it. Too attached to the world I've created right bloody here. Because even if I have to edit, it seems worthwhile to share with people who actually exist in my life. Not just the strangers, and fellow travelers.

And see-I've put my famous positive spin on it. Because that is the way I appear to roll. And it's fuck-all exhausting. But it is just built in. Like the kitchen cabinets. Even comes with a spice rack. Which doesn't properly fit the larger bottles of spices- very disappointing, that.

Maybe I'll just start a porno blog on the side, or something. Something that no one expects. And let it be that. But porno doesn't move me. Not the way that writing about things that matter to me does. Now that is one hell of an obvious statement. And I'm turning into an idiot on the spot. Time for more coffee. And some tv. Sweet tv, eases the pain of the reflection.