Pondering some more

And being ponderous.

Well, mes amis, today it is a rainy Monday. And we celebrate dead presidents by buying sheets and towels. For sleeping and drying things. Something symbolic there, I guess.

So let's chat about death, shall we?

I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Not to worry- not something that I particularly crave. Just a shift in the tectonics of how I think about it. I blame Lance Armstrong.

See he was on the Colbert Report the other night. And I was listening to him talk about fighting cancer. And it started me thinking. About how futile in a way his fight (and mine back in the day) really was. Just because all it is was buying some time. That's all it ever is. Because no matter what, it's where we're all going. Very comforting thought that. No way to escape. Just let it roll. Doesn't have to happen today. Or tomorrow. Or next Tuesday. Just it will happen. And when it does, well, there you have it.

Makes me a bit nervous thinking about the end of what I know of as me. That the consciousness that I depend upon to get me through the day will be over, and something unknown happens. But there again, nothing that I can do about it. No way. Even Mr. Richy McRichRich himself, Bill Gates will die some day. It just happens like that. So.

No, I don't welcome the green darkness and the weight of lungs filling with fluid and stopping. I don't welcome the end of my selfness. I don't welcome the replay of all my past. Especially not that. I do that often enough that it's not only regrettable, but not necessarily comfortable. I welcome none of it yet. Probably never will. But just the realization makes a difference.

Damn. I guess this means I'm not 21 any more. Shit.