Is messing around on a boyfriend/girlfriend really comperable to doing the same with a spouse? I would argue...kinda...but then...
-High School boyfriend # something or other- comes over to my house on Valentine's Day, sporting a vast and varied array of luminous hickeys on his neck. That I didn't inflict. Said it was a reaction to the soap in the boy's locker room. No, I didn't believe him. And no, I never laid a finger on his sorry ass again.
-High School boyfriend- a few later down the road- gets caught messing around with another girl- because I have friends in other towns. Who report shit and enjoy the ensuing drama. He tries to deny, but I fuck it all up for him by making sure that the other girl finds out about me. No one said I played fair.
-College boyfriend- thinks it's cool as hell to show up at an event with another girl in tow. After we had enjoyed a nooner. Fucker.
-College boyfriend- another one- decides that it's fine to stay out all night. Even though when he returned the next morning, smelling of someone else's perfume, it was all because of a "hug." We had just moved in together. Saddest thing- it took me 3 more years of his happy horseshit to kick him out. And that occurred only after things got...borderline violent...physically. The verbal violence was really quite prevalent around that time...sigh...
- And I don't really feel like discussing my side of these kinds of mis-adventures. Suffice it to say, two can play. And the above were the times I was the victim. Innocent, that is- if that word can ever really apply.
But comperable to the married dalliance? No fucking way. Now that I think of it. We have an agreement. Before that happens, we skedaddle. Because I would never dream of inflicting that kind of thing on the K-boy. It's just not something that I could live with in myself. Some of the earlier crap is just difficult enough.
The really nice thing is that it does fade away. The bite is gone. The urge to call up in the middle of the night whilst drunk and scream invectives is gone. Because they don't matter. Not anymore. But I do still remember how it felt. Back in the day.
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4 comments:
i think something weird has been happening to me.
i'm sort of indifferent about infidelity now. it sounds horrible, i realize. but something inside of me has seemed to turn off. it doesn't concern me, for some odd reason. i suppose i'm always ready to deal with shitty consequences--one way or another. not much scares me anymore. very very strange. psychoanalyze THAT.
You know it's not the messing around that really bugs me about the whole thing- it's the cowardice and dishonesty. The sneakiness. The attempt to keep something intact that should just be...allowed to die a natural death. The denial of the life cycle of a relationship- and the arrogance to assume that it's ok to inflict the lie on others.
Not to shakedown with the bitterness- that's just what came out. And the above doesn't seem to be what's up with you. It's just past crap that keeps hanging around. And that I really, really can't delve into too deeply in this forum.
no, i do hear you.
i think what i was trying to say was that i don't think i can be hurt anymore within a relationship. this is almost going to sound like i'm a pretentious fuck (which i am, har), but there are other issues, more important, i feel, in the overall scheme of this measley thing called life. and so i don't concern myself w/infidelity; i do not let it eat me. if things happen to come to the end, so be it. if not, so be it. it sounds awful to feel like that, but it's the truth. you opened up a very complex subject w/this post, you know.
Like I said above- life cycles of things. Always effect me profoundly. And I do think that relationships whether romantic or otherwise have life cycles. I just can accept that without someone denying me the choice to accept or deny their messing around. That's the crux of the honesty thing. If you don't want me- just fucking have the balls to say so- I will no doubt live to breathe and enjoy another day...
That's what it's all about. I know how it is- living beyond the hurt. And it never killed me before. If Kboy left me, it would leave a huge hole in my life- probably never fully filled. But that's just the way life is.And no- we're not on the rocks- this just is a complex subject.
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