Another day in chaos, even if it is partially self-inflicted. Mainly because I can't just see a void. I have to step into it. And try and make the bloody thing better.

Some random thoughts appear whilst drinking some fine single malt. Not the best of the bunch, but a lovely bright distillation. It works.

I wonder if I am the only one who remembers that he chewed his nails down to nubs, and they were always rough and raw looking. When I would ask him to scratch my back, because I loved that as a child, he wouldn't be able to do more than rub. No scratching. Ever. Especially now.

I wonder if I am the only one who thought that he sang Paul McCartney's song "Silly Love Songs." Not sure about that one. I was pretty little. That's the only excuse I can come up with.

I wonder if I am the only one who thought that he was George Carlin on the records that he played in the basement. Because for some reason their voices were the same to me.

No, to the first. Certainly yes to the other ones.

Nothing other than that worth recording. And I would argue that this was nothing worth recording, either. Only feeling self-indulgent. Blame the scotch. Or the moon. Or whatever deity you choose to follow. Myself, well I have been trying to convince myself that choosing one of the old ones might be a pleasant diversion. Mithras comes to mind. Only I am not a warrior. But still, it would be entertaining to take days off to celebrate Mithrian holidays- and come back with a bit of beef blood on my forehead to commemorate the sacrifice. It would be odd enough to win me enemies, but interesting enough to win me friends. In some segments, that is.

Only I am never that daring any more. Once upon a time, it might've happened. But then I grew up and became much more afraid. Mainly because I learned about consequences. And about living without the perpetual safety net. I'm sure it's still there in places, but I don't want to test it. I don't want to be on the ropes. I guess at this point I am rather content to have a secret life of the mind, and leave the rest to being somewhat ordinary.

Only I do wear the black stone necklace when I want to pretend that I'm a witch, and am embracing the darkness. I really do. And it helps a bit. The pretend, not the necklace. I do know the difference so far between pretend and real. More scotch, and that might change.