I finally am starting to get it.
I see where I've been with moments of clarity, and understand how it all came about.

I no longer play with matches at the gas pump
I no longer have the full-on urge to self-immolate.
I no longer have the need to dive so deeply into someone else's reality and lose my own.
I have more stubbornness than is probably good for me.
I am surviving.

Things I have lost- partial list.

Absolute faith that it'll all be just fine and that my parents will fix anything.
Absolute faith in anything, really.
the ability to subsume myself in any relationship.
blind obsession.
ultimate narcissism.
obliviousness of my own actions and how they effect others.
that feeling of being freshly in love and the accompanying rush.
partial skin on my back.
clavicles that could cut paper.

Do I miss these things?

not sure really, haven't fully processed it all.
Don't know that I want to spare the time and manpower to get the job done.