Ok, so I lied about the sleeping in thing. I'm still in that OCD making lists of crap that I either REALLY have to do, or at least my reptilian brain tells me I REALLY need to do it. It's a crap shoot as to whether or not anything REALLY needs to be done at 3:00 AM, but there you have it.
Funny thing. I was reviewing my severance agreement, and they laid off the oldest two employees on the team. Almost makes me wonder. But then I know what we did for a living, and know the logic behind it all. Basically what keeps me from going all conspiracy theory on it is that they made the right decision for the situation. And that does kind of bite a bit.
Meh. I'll get over that though. There's always my URGENT work on my farm. On Facebook. Because that is very important...
Sweet Jebus.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
It's been a long time since I've been up in the middle of the night writing, instead of just rolling over and going back to sleep. But tomorrow looks like it's going to be a big day. I fully expect to have plenty of time in the near future to write a lot. A lot.
I had the pleasure of getting the odd calendar request for earlyish tomorrow morning. With my manager. When I connected the dots a bit, I also discovered that the HR director is in the room. This spells one thing. I am getting laid off tomorrow morning. My spidey senses were tingling all afternoon yesterday, and believe me- if I could deny this, I would.
There are a couple of things that make this a real shitty problem to have. First off, it definitely ends the house buying process. Since it is a short sale with a few more weeks to go before their bank signs off on it, we have time to get the hell out. That appears to be necessary. Sad though. It is such a nice house.
The other really shitty issue is the whole job hunt begins again. For those of you who played along at home the last time around, I know that I'm in a much better place, but it still sucks.
The interesting thing about where I currently work (until tomorrow AM, that is), is that there hasn't been a boatload of opportunity for me to advance anyway. That is the upside of this situation. It offers me a way out and up. They have this system, see. They provide you with a level. That level determines what your pay scale is, and stock awards, and certain other HR relevant things about you. My current level (again, until tomorrow AM), is rather low. Painfully so, actually. It inhibits hiring managers from considering me for positions that I would be quite good at. Because it is too much of a leap in levels for them.
But apparently that won't be an issue for me any more.
Now, because it is almost 2:00 AM, and I consumed the better part of a bottle of wine earlier this evening, I am feeling an odd sense of calm. Not despair. Not even close. It'll be sad as hell to say goodbye to the people with whom I have been working. I really, really like them. That was the part I enjoyed, and what got me out of bed in the morning with regularity. The job itself was rather a drag in the last few months, as it had devolved into a real grind. But the people have been lovely. I hope that at least a few of them remain in my life in some capacity.
I will miss the company itself. I have enjoyed being part of the environment. It's a surprisingly creative place in many ways. Yes there are the frustrations of dealing with a bureaucracy that is more firmly entrenched and larger than most small towns in Montana, but overall I have had so many opportunities to grow that the place provided. I cannot complain about that. I can't complain about the FABULOUS benefits package that I have had for all of these years. Free medical care is something I will miss tremendously. Luckily I am pretty healthy overall.
Sadly I was also supposed to start a new fitness regimen last night, with a personal trainer and everything. Since the company paid for the health club membership, I canceled out of that right quicklike. I'll just have to do with finding the motivation within. Or something.
But overall, it will be different. I have been lying in bed thinking my way through this. I have contacted a few friends who can assist in resume crafting, and who might have leads for me in the short term. I have been mentally listing friends who I can contact after I get the official news, and get further leads.
I have avoided posting anything on Facebook about this, as the main players in this drama are all there. They don't need to know diddly squat about what I have figured out. Let them lose some sleep over this too. I like them, just fine, as I totally understand that this isn't about me personally. But I still want it to be difficult all around. Changing a person's destiny, potentially for the worse should NEVER be easy.
I keep trying to figure out if I'll cry. Not yet. And yes, the wine has worn off. All that is left is a slight tummy ache. And wakefulness. I haven't had one of these kinds of nights in a very long time.
I guess to sum it up, it'll be an adventure, no?
I had the pleasure of getting the odd calendar request for earlyish tomorrow morning. With my manager. When I connected the dots a bit, I also discovered that the HR director is in the room. This spells one thing. I am getting laid off tomorrow morning. My spidey senses were tingling all afternoon yesterday, and believe me- if I could deny this, I would.
There are a couple of things that make this a real shitty problem to have. First off, it definitely ends the house buying process. Since it is a short sale with a few more weeks to go before their bank signs off on it, we have time to get the hell out. That appears to be necessary. Sad though. It is such a nice house.
The other really shitty issue is the whole job hunt begins again. For those of you who played along at home the last time around, I know that I'm in a much better place, but it still sucks.
The interesting thing about where I currently work (until tomorrow AM, that is), is that there hasn't been a boatload of opportunity for me to advance anyway. That is the upside of this situation. It offers me a way out and up. They have this system, see. They provide you with a level. That level determines what your pay scale is, and stock awards, and certain other HR relevant things about you. My current level (again, until tomorrow AM), is rather low. Painfully so, actually. It inhibits hiring managers from considering me for positions that I would be quite good at. Because it is too much of a leap in levels for them.
But apparently that won't be an issue for me any more.
Now, because it is almost 2:00 AM, and I consumed the better part of a bottle of wine earlier this evening, I am feeling an odd sense of calm. Not despair. Not even close. It'll be sad as hell to say goodbye to the people with whom I have been working. I really, really like them. That was the part I enjoyed, and what got me out of bed in the morning with regularity. The job itself was rather a drag in the last few months, as it had devolved into a real grind. But the people have been lovely. I hope that at least a few of them remain in my life in some capacity.
I will miss the company itself. I have enjoyed being part of the environment. It's a surprisingly creative place in many ways. Yes there are the frustrations of dealing with a bureaucracy that is more firmly entrenched and larger than most small towns in Montana, but overall I have had so many opportunities to grow that the place provided. I cannot complain about that. I can't complain about the FABULOUS benefits package that I have had for all of these years. Free medical care is something I will miss tremendously. Luckily I am pretty healthy overall.
Sadly I was also supposed to start a new fitness regimen last night, with a personal trainer and everything. Since the company paid for the health club membership, I canceled out of that right quicklike. I'll just have to do with finding the motivation within. Or something.
But overall, it will be different. I have been lying in bed thinking my way through this. I have contacted a few friends who can assist in resume crafting, and who might have leads for me in the short term. I have been mentally listing friends who I can contact after I get the official news, and get further leads.
I have avoided posting anything on Facebook about this, as the main players in this drama are all there. They don't need to know diddly squat about what I have figured out. Let them lose some sleep over this too. I like them, just fine, as I totally understand that this isn't about me personally. But I still want it to be difficult all around. Changing a person's destiny, potentially for the worse should NEVER be easy.
I keep trying to figure out if I'll cry. Not yet. And yes, the wine has worn off. All that is left is a slight tummy ache. And wakefulness. I haven't had one of these kinds of nights in a very long time.
I guess to sum it up, it'll be an adventure, no?
Monday, November 08, 2010
Truly, I have been trying very hard not to make this a diary of my dissatisfaction. There is always something for me to bitch about. Check the archives, if you don't believe me. I just think it's boring after a while. Imagine being stuck in my OCD-inclined head, and listening to the same crap on lather-rinse-repeat cycle. I just doesn't end, just changes incrementally.
So interesting cycle though. Things HAVE to change for me to be happy. I can't just stay in the same place for an endless time. If I'm not learning something new, I get cranky.
Thus the current job scenario. It is secure. It isn't arduous. I DO make the least of the entire department of 130+ people, with no hope of that changing. Makes me a little tonky on occasion, but I can cope, as it's pretty cushy otherwise. But the boredom is starting to set in, folks. Thus the trouble emerges. I've got irons in the fire aplenty, but haven't followed up on those diligently, since we're in mid-house-purchase. Doesn't seem like the kind of thing a loan officer would really be pleased to deal with. Yeah, changing jobs might make that difficult.
But yes, it's time for a change. It is time.
So interesting cycle though. Things HAVE to change for me to be happy. I can't just stay in the same place for an endless time. If I'm not learning something new, I get cranky.
Thus the current job scenario. It is secure. It isn't arduous. I DO make the least of the entire department of 130+ people, with no hope of that changing. Makes me a little tonky on occasion, but I can cope, as it's pretty cushy otherwise. But the boredom is starting to set in, folks. Thus the trouble emerges. I've got irons in the fire aplenty, but haven't followed up on those diligently, since we're in mid-house-purchase. Doesn't seem like the kind of thing a loan officer would really be pleased to deal with. Yeah, changing jobs might make that difficult.
But yes, it's time for a change. It is time.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Day of the Dead
This last year has been in many ways preoccupied by death. Death in its most tangible form, with the loss of several loved ones, and death in a metaphorical sense in the transformation of areas of our lives beyond recognition.
So traditionally tonight the veil between the worlds is supposed to be very thin, and communication between them can occur with relative ease. I am having a hard time deciding whether or not I would really want to have a conversation with my newly dead. There really isn't much to say to any of them, including the 16 year old cat we lost. Though it would be very nice to snuggle with him again for a while. But then it would be that much harder to say goodbye again. So that's not a great idea. My Grandmother left mentally so long ago that the final goodbye was merely a formality in a sense. I said what I needed to say to her a few weeks before she died, and have no real sense of unfinished business there.
My father-in-law had a more troubling death. I think it would be nice to say goodbye to him properly. I know that my husband would love to have one last conversation with him, as there wasn't any chance at all for them to talk. By the time that he had arrived to the hospital, his dad was in a coma. And they never had the chance to talk. It was fast, horrible, and as ugly a reminder that life is finite as you get. I would dearly love for them to have the chance for one last discussion. But there again, saying goodbye would likely be harder afterward. So it's a mixed blessing of sorts, I suppose.
I rather like the Mexican tradition of going to the grave, setting up a picnic and celebrating the dead where they lie. I think it has a lovely mixture of reverence, irreverence, good food, and pagan sensibilities thrown in. It makes me smile. Unfortunately I come from a place without the temperate weather. Having a picnic at the cemetery where my dead lie would be chilly, likely windy, and not horribly private, as the highway is next to the cemetery. Oh, and the rest of the family might think it was a little strange. Not that me being strange is really such a stretch of their imaginations, but seriously, why give them the ammunition?
So tonight, I think we will toast our lost family members, think happy thoughts about them, and hope that the ghosts of the newly dead don't linger. They belong someplace else, and I wouldn't keep them from more important things.
So traditionally tonight the veil between the worlds is supposed to be very thin, and communication between them can occur with relative ease. I am having a hard time deciding whether or not I would really want to have a conversation with my newly dead. There really isn't much to say to any of them, including the 16 year old cat we lost. Though it would be very nice to snuggle with him again for a while. But then it would be that much harder to say goodbye again. So that's not a great idea. My Grandmother left mentally so long ago that the final goodbye was merely a formality in a sense. I said what I needed to say to her a few weeks before she died, and have no real sense of unfinished business there.
My father-in-law had a more troubling death. I think it would be nice to say goodbye to him properly. I know that my husband would love to have one last conversation with him, as there wasn't any chance at all for them to talk. By the time that he had arrived to the hospital, his dad was in a coma. And they never had the chance to talk. It was fast, horrible, and as ugly a reminder that life is finite as you get. I would dearly love for them to have the chance for one last discussion. But there again, saying goodbye would likely be harder afterward. So it's a mixed blessing of sorts, I suppose.
I rather like the Mexican tradition of going to the grave, setting up a picnic and celebrating the dead where they lie. I think it has a lovely mixture of reverence, irreverence, good food, and pagan sensibilities thrown in. It makes me smile. Unfortunately I come from a place without the temperate weather. Having a picnic at the cemetery where my dead lie would be chilly, likely windy, and not horribly private, as the highway is next to the cemetery. Oh, and the rest of the family might think it was a little strange. Not that me being strange is really such a stretch of their imaginations, but seriously, why give them the ammunition?
So tonight, I think we will toast our lost family members, think happy thoughts about them, and hope that the ghosts of the newly dead don't linger. They belong someplace else, and I wouldn't keep them from more important things.
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